Retread

Well, he did it again.

Sy dumped me – again.

I’m using those specific words, even after he asked me not to use that term while we were talking it out.  Where’s the fun in not taking a moment for some self-pitying pettiness?

I knew this was coming?

I had just hoped that we were ever so tentatively stumbling our way towards how we could keep what was good in our relationship while ditching the bad.

Yes, I wanted to have my cake and eat it too.

Why not shoot for the brass ring of relationships?  Or at least a brass ring that I found particularly shiny and appealing.

I actually prefer us living in separate households.  I just need to figure out the financial end of things.  I’m working on it.

I’m stating the obvious when writing that any relationship, whatever the form, needs to work for all parties involved and I guess our current one doesn’t work for him.

But like I said, I knew this was coming.

When he left in late August he said we were done.  He was back in two weeks and we had our cheesy romantic moment.

He asked me to marry him soon after that.

He’d never done that before.

I asked why.  I just figured all these years that he didn’t want to and I wasn’t interested (or confident?) enough to do the asking.  At the time he said that he figured I was gun-shy.  He’s not necessarily wrong.  And on a completely practical level having to get divorced is a complete and total pain in the ass.  As well as expensive.

Although there are the movies that are going to need to be split up.  That’s going to be a bitch.

He said tonight that he still meant it (the proposal that is) at the time.

So how does that change in just a couple of months?

That’s what’s confusing the fuck out of me.

We went to Vermont together and had a very us weekend. Not nearly long enough but I don’t  think any vacation would be long enough when it’s been 10+ years since I’ve had one and even longer for him.

And then he just kinda dropped outta sight.

Didn’t really answer electronic messages of any sort except occasionally.  We weren’t talking on the phone either but we haven’t been doing that since he moved out.  I gave him his space.  It seemed to be what he wanted and needed and honestly I’ve got bigger problems on my plate at the moment.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a real bitch of a taskmaster.

And then we had Thanksgiving at his place.  It was odd and very different.  I am sooo not used to not being in a frenzy for weeks beforehand.  And I wasn’t cleaning up for weeks afterwards either.  Very strange.  But not bad, just very different and sometimes it takes me a while to adjust to the different but I always get there in my own plodding way.

And then he was gone again.

And then he was here for the open house on xmas day and it was odd and very different but he got me a cool and thoughtful present (even if I haven’t had the time or brain space to play with it) and he seemed to like those that I got for him.

We talked almost through an entire night right after the holiday and spent a few days together over New Year’s.  Yeah, it was a damn fine way to ring it in.

And then POOF.

He said yesterday in a text that he wanted to talk.

I asked if he was dumping me.

He said he wanted to talk in person.

I told him that sounded ominous.

He says he still loves me and that I’m his best friend but he just can’t be with me.  He gets lost.

I understand what he’s saying because I do the same thing too.  We are very similar after all.

I guess the difference is that I’m more comfortable with getting lost in the moment, lost in the other versions of myself, whatever they are, and then going on to the next and not necessarily having them all be completely integrated into one me, one experience.

When I’m at work and slamming though things I never want to leave again.

When I’m snowbound in the house nesting I never want to step outside the door again.

When I’m writing I never want to put the pen down and close the composition book.

And when I’m with Sy I never want him to leave my sight.

But every moment passes, as it should.

Otherwise you don’t get to experience the other ones.

But that’s me.

I’m going to miss him.

Miss us.

Yeah, I don’t get it.

But at least this time I had some idea it was coming.

I don’t have to get it.

I just have to accept it.