The days are long…

How could it possibly be fucking July already?

It’s really late February or maybe early March, right?

The fact that the garlic is almost ready to harvest tells me otherwise.

I’ve spent more time gardening this spring then I have in years. I’m planting mostly flowers. Everyone needs more flowers in their life.

Especially these days.

Gardening helps slow me down.  You can only weed and water so quickly before you’re not doing the job properly.

I’ve been very busy for the last couple of decades. That’s a very strange thing to say let alone have experienced. Motherhood takes a bit out of one, you know?

I’m not discounting anyone elses experience of trials and tribulations by saying that. I’m just saying, that for me, motherhood has sucked up a lot of brain space.

Had to make it up as I went along and that’s tough.

Had to do the same when I was teaching an AP Organic Chem class as a long term substitute ages ago.

I never took organic chemistry or any sort of chemistry. I was able to fulfill my bachelor’s science requirements with a paper conservation course (relevant to my breadwinner side) and a physics class. I’m horrible at things that are logical and/or involve remembering vast amounts of information.  Physics has both.  Had to paper my dashboard with formulas written on post-its in order to memorize the formulas for the tests, but I passed.

So how the F was I supposed to teach AP Organic Chem to seniors with that sorta brain and background?

I stumbled along, keeping one chapter ahead.  I tried.

Sometimes that’s all you can do.

I am so glad I got out of teaching before I was too deep in the pool. I was able to change course easily enough without having to go back to school. I had been on the fence between teaching and museum work all through college so finally deciding which side to touch grass on wasn’t all that difficult. For a while I was actually doing both.

No wonder I’m so damn tired now.

Museum work has run from terrifying (as in when there was water from attic to basement in a 200 year old house packed literally to the rafters with old stuff, photographs and papers) to as boring as watching a snail race (I hate spreadsheets and databases and that is increasingly what my job is about) and everything in between. I have been at one site long enough, and put in enough sheer hours of labor, that I can see the sort of progress that takes time to add up.  It’s rather satisfying to see what we’ve accomplished.  I have left this small bit of the world in better shape then when I arrived.  The hours and schedule flexibility also worked well with two children who needed tending.

What it has not been is financially lucrative.

My finances and career took a major hit. As they do for many people.  To move up the ladder I would have had to move every couple of years.  I grew up that way and hated it.  Wasn’t going to do the same to my two.  And now I’m really paying for it.

But it was worth it.

My eldest leaves for Great Britain and two years of graduate school on September 3rd. She’s attending the best school in the world for what she wants to do. She didn’t make it in the first time but they encouraged her to reapply.  She did a couple of internships as they suggested and got in the second time around. She’s one of eight in a class with people from all around the world.

Yay.

Yes, she did the work but I (and her father in his home) provided her the supportive environment she needed to take advantage of the opportunities she found.  She never had to worry about a roof over her head, food on the table or clothes on her back.

Not everyone is so lucky.

I’ve been at this motherhood gig long enough to see the sort of progress that takes time to add up.  It’s rather satisfying to see what that little milksucking blob of flesh has become.  If nothing else, I have done this right.

One down, one to go.

I have left this small bit of the world in better shape then when I arrived.

I don’t know when I’m going to see my eldest again.  Probably years.  Neither of us can afford to travel across the Atlantic Ocean.

Ouch.

The youngest is starting high school in the fall.

She’s doing good. The last few years have been tough but I think she’ll find her tribe once she gets there. Sure hope she does.

So the reins are slacking off on multiple fronts.

And they’re at their dad’s three nights a week. It’s strange being alone after so many years. Never had much of a taste of it BK (before kids) because of financial circumstances.  I didn’t live alone for long but I remember it fondly.

Having a problem with finances now as well.

Ugh.

If there isn’t a blue wave in November I’m probably going to die in the next 6 months when I lose my insurance.  I’m not saying that to be dramatic.  It’s just my life.

I’m not as poor as I’ve been in the past but I am one unfortunate thing away from the edge.

Being poor is exhausting.  I’m too damn old and tired to be dealing with this shit now.

At least I’m slightly better equipped to deal with it this time.

Age does have some advantages.

The days are long

but the years are short.